Dear Clients,

I am not a miracle worker. I cannot fix everything. I can't change the criminal code to exclude your conduct from the list of things punishable by incarceration. I can't get you out of your guilty plea just because you've changed your mind. I can't get the judge to reduce your sentence just by saying pretty please. And after you've served a little time in prison, I can't just get the judge to let you out because you've learned your lesson and you're tired of being behind bars.

I can't convince the court that every witness against you is lying. I can't convince anyone that the court reporter just made it up that you pled guilty to 3 counts instead of only 1. I can't just keep your confession from coming out in court. They warned you anything you said could be used against you. They were not lying. (For once.) I can't get you out of the the consequences of having sex with a 13 year-old, because that is inherently illegal, no matter how consensual it seemed to you.

And when you are caught red-handed, right after the burglary, in the alley, with a car full of the loot, I can't convince anyone that you just happened to be walking by and that the glass shards on top of your head did not come from the shattered glass door but rather came from your grandmother's driveway. I am not that good.

Sincerely,

Your very human lawyer, who missed the day in law school when they handed out magic wands