All tried out

Over the past year, I feel like I have put a lot of effort into things. I've tried and tried and tried. But it seems at best I get nowhere. At worst, I get a broken bone and surgery.

I tried being open to new people and new experiences, which is what led me to meet the people who led me to the roller skating rink. And it was because I tried going to roller derby that I started thinking, "I could do that." And of course we know it was thinking "I could do that" that led me to skate like a jackass at the skating rink which led to my glorious injury.

As I publicly declared here, I was determined to move somewhere, so I tried a job search, but that led nowhere. I've tried online dating (which I don't think is sad and pathetic, but rather quite obvious in the Facebook age), but that has led nowhere. I've dated guys I in real life, but those have led nowhere.

I've tried journaling. I've tried communicating my thoughts and feelings. I've tried ignoring them. I've tried trips and I've tried retail therapy and I've tried actual therapy.

And for all that trying, I have gotten nowhere. I'm in pretty much the same place I was a year ago.  Which might actually make it feel worse because shouldn't I be better by now? But I've expended an awful lot of energy and I'm tired. I'm plum tired of trying. So I'm not going to. I am officially done. I'm just going to exist for a while. I can't possibly do any worse by just letting life happen around me than I've done by trying to make it happen.