Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Done. And done.

It's done.  The giant case that I've been whining about, dragging my feet over, and stressing over is now done.  And there is a huge part of me that wishes it weren't so.

I'm glad the actual work is done.  I'm always excited to move on to new issues.  These cases really are so big and take so long, the issues can start to feel very stale.  I read blawgs and new case law voraciously because I don't want to lose track of what other legal issues are percolating out in the bigger world.  My next case is a much different beast altogether, with a brief I can probably write pretty quickly and involving issues I haven't addressed in years.  So from a lawyer standpoint, being done is good.

But since that awful day in March, I've had this day in my head.  I've always thought my period of deep mourning could continue until this day.  I figured there was no point in trying to develop a new life plan until after this deadline was met.  Nobody could reasonably expect me to look forward in the first two or three months.  And by that point, I would be so deep into brief-writing that I wouldn't have time for anything new.  Now that the day is here and the case is done, I have no more excuses.  I have to move on.  But I still just don't want to.

I still hate this stupid, stupid break-up.  I still feel it is just as wrong and pointless as I did in March.  I still can't picture a happy ending for myself that doesn't involve him.  But I think my absolute biggest beef is that I don't like being told what to do.  I hate not being in control.  Especially of my own life.  And I'm really quite stubborn.  (I know that is a shocking revelation.)  I think a large part of my foot-dragging over finishing this brief was really foot-dragging over having to face the fact that the future I chose for myself isn't available to me.  I had no say in this and it still pisses me off.  I don't think I should have to let go of the future I've put so much time and energy into wanting.  Letting go of that means letting my future look like a big, empty space that I have no idea how to fill.

So this is why I didn't really want to finish this case: I have no idea what comes next and that scares the hell out of me.


Nance said...

At the risk of sounding like Someone's Mom (which, really, is what I am anyway, so...Unavoidable, really)--you'll do what you always do. Get up, get ready for your day, and continue to put one foot in front of the other. It will be hard--perhaps Very Hard--many times. But you'll go on. You didn't start out your life planning to be with this particular person, and so some plans were made without him. Therefore, you Can Do It.

More importantly, You Must.

So, You Will.

S said...

I know I can. I just always put off the unpleasant stuff, the stuff I don't want to deal with. It's never as bad as I thought it would be once I actually face up to it. So this won't be either.

And it's already off to an excellent start as today is a day off and vacation begins in earnest tomorrow.

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