Monday, December 1, 2008

Amazing offer! Call now!

As many of my readers know, I am a rabid Kansas Jayhawks basketball fan. I just can't get enough of the defending national champions. Evil ESPN and the cable conglomerates know it and aren't afraid to exploit my addiction for their monetary gain. ESPN wants to launch a new network and the cable company wants to have a high profile network on its second tier of programming so folks like me will subscribe to more than the basics. And ESPNU was born.

Last season, one KU game was on ESPNU. We all just went to a bar and had a rockin' good time, foiling the evil plot. So this year, they put at least 3 KU games on the fledgling network. The puppet masters got their wish today as I gave in and called the cable company this afternoon. Consequently, I am happily sitting on my couch wrapped in a blanket, with my laptop, a glass of wine, and my pup while the Jayhawks have a double-digit lead over Kent State. I have also enjoyed surfing through all the new channels that come with my new tier of programming. Who's heard of Chill? I don't even know what that network is, but I found an episode of Twin Peaks on it, so I think I'm gonna like it.

The other thing I have discovered is the commercials that come with this new tier. The Hallmark Movie Channel and the Game Show Network don't have the car and fast food commercials we're used to from the big networks. They don't even have the commercials for local businesses and restaurants we see on basic cable. Instead, we get 30 second infomercials.

These are commercials for new, exciting, and inventive products that will revolutionize the way you [use your notebook computer] [chop vegetables] [eavesdrop] [lie on the couch]. Your life will never be the same! You will be instantly and irrevocably happy if you buy this product. Your elders will respect you, children will worship you, and puppies will love you. You will realize how empty your life was before you took advantage of this amazing, just for t.v. offer. And if the people in the commercials are any indication, you will look like a resident of Stepford. (Seriously, where do they find these actors and how do they all plaster that vague, bizarre smile on their faces?)

And, of course, if you call RIGHT NOW, we'll throw in this other, slightly less impressive but still amazing product for free. But wait, there's more! We'll throw in a second set for free! You'll get two ultra amazing doohickeys and two merely amazing thingamabobs for the price of one! That's a gazillion dollar value for the amazing low price of $19.95 (plus shipping and processing for each item...). We're practically giving them away! It's ridiculous and we're surely losing money, but this product is just so AMAZING, we wouldn't feel right not sharing it with the whole world.

Doesn't it seem that if these products are really that amazingly amazing, the manufacturers ought to be able to get more money for them? I get the idea these might be cheap pieces of crap from China that they desperately need to get some money for because they've ordered thousands of some other newer, better cheap piece of crap that they need to pay for. But the voice the announcer uses (is it the same announcer in each commercial) is so hypnotic and he sounds so sure of the amazingness of the product, I find myself wanting the Perfect Pull-up gadget. And I hate pull-ups.

The Portabook was impressive. A cheap, plastic thingie to prop up your laptop. I don't quite know how I've managed to use a laptop all these years without one. I also like the sound amplifier thing and I really respect the fact that the commercial blatantly recognizes that one of the ideal uses for the amplifier is to listen in on private conversations going on across the room.

But my personal favorite so far has been the snuggie. ( It's a fleece blanket with arms. Ideal for lying on the couch watching t.v. 'cause your arm can be under the blanket, but your hand still free to use the remote! Or you can wear it like a backwards bathrobe or take it to outdoor sporting events. (Ok, so it wouldn't really cover your backside then and the people all look like some weird kind of suburban monk, but their front sides and arms must be warm.) I think I need one. And if I call right now, I'll also get the amazing mini book light. Plus, a second snuggie and book light for free. I definitely need one. It would keep me so warm as I flip between SoapNet, Style, and WE.


Kathy said...

The Snuggie is by far my favorite informercial ever. Ever since I started watching BBC America a lot, it's there all the time. Oddly enough, I sort of want one...even though I know in my heart that I could just put on a sweater for the same effect.

S said...

I know what you mean. Even though I was covered by one throw blanket and had another one wrapped around my shoulders and I think the people in the commercial were kind of freakish-looking, I still found myself craving the soft fleeciness of the snuggie.

Anonymous said...

The Snuggie blanket is so comfortable and warm. I got mine at Harriet Carter.

Anonymous said...

Where they get you is with the shipping and "handling" charges. I really want a Magic Bullet, and 2 for a mere hundred bucks seemed like a good idea, until I found out about the $40 shipping charge per product. Making the two Magic Bullets for the price of one, almost two hundred bucks, and I can buy it at walmart for $60.

S said...

yea, it's that doubling of the shipping and handling charges that makes it financially feasible for them.

I'm sure the snuggie will eventually be sold at Walgreen's, where I might just buy it. Walgreen's has the best "As Seen on TV" aisle. That's where I got my Magic Thaw. It really is magic.

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