Preaching to the choir

I hope you all don't mind that I enjoyed my much-needed vacation too much to check in.  I visited the Washington Supreme Court's "Temple of Justice".  I have to say the actual courtroom was not impressive.  Shockingly small with very little room for an audience.  But the pink ceiling in the foyer was cool.  I rubbed George Washington's nose in the capitol.  Judging by the shine on his nose, I was not the first.  I relaxed at a Korean spa.  I saw the best Crowded House concert I've ever seen.  I went to a Mariner's game, once again deciding that the new style of downtown baseball park just can't match up to the K, which was built in 1973.  I wandered around the Pike Place Market and saw lots of other parts of Seattle.  I flew right past a mountain.  Mt. Rainier is so tall that as we ascended through the cloud cover, we could still see the peak when we got over the clouds.

All in all, I had a lovely, low-key, no-pressure vacation.

But even before the wheels of the plane landed yesterday, that old familiar knot was back, right in the middle of my chest.  By the time I left the airport, I was already crabby, unhappy, and ticked off.  It's time to face the fact that I just flat hate living here now.  Hate it.  Which makes me both incredibly sad and incredibly angry.  Because I used to love this town.  I thought it was pefect.  Just the right size, college town, big city nearby, all my sports teams.  I thought I never wanted to live anywhere else.  But I just don't think I can stay here.  Now I hate to go out because I always fear that I will run into him, out having fun living a life that he's not willing to share with me.  And in the course of 4 plus years, there aren't many places around here we didn't go to together, so memories are everywhere.  Then there's the fact that my social circle has pretty much disintegrated as a result of this. 

Moving isn't a great option, either, though.  I can't afford to sell my house (nor do I want to).  A legal career isn't exactly the most portable career.  A lot of states would still require me to take a bar exam and those that don't still require a big, long hassle of an application and an ethics test.  All of it is such a logistical nightmare, it's hard for me even to think about it.  But it's got to be preferable to continuing here.