Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Instant gratification

I tend to sink into malaise every time I approach a due date at work.  The more I know I need to focus on work, the easier it is for me to feel I am totally unequal to the task.  I am particularly susceptible to this malaise as this particular deadline approaches thanks to other areas of my life already leaving me feeling defeated.  Every possible milestone or positive outcome in life feels very far away right now. 

None of my cases are anywhere near resolution.  Back in the day, I would work on a case for 3 months, then move on to the next one.  And I had many, many cases at a time, so if I got sick of one, I could put it aside for a while and move on to the next.  Then when oral argument week came around, I would have at least one, and sometimes 3 or 4, cases to argue.  I loved that rush of argument week.  I love standing up in front of a court and knowing that I can answer any question thrown at me and that I can out-argue any prosecutor in my sleep.  (Ok, so that sounds cocky, but any top athlete will tell you the best have to be a little cocky.)  But now, I'm years away from actually arguing in court.  And years after that from resolution.  

The point being it's hard to feel like I'm accomplishing anything.  Work for me isn't a sprint, like it is for a lot of my colleagues.  My work is a marathon.  An ultra-marathon.  Which can make it a little hard to get motivated and head to work each day.  Because tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that, it'll still be just the same few cases staring me in the face, with no end in sight.  None of those cases are getting closed out anytime soon.

 Personal milestones are years away, too.  Just a few months ago, I thought I was going to be engaged any day and would be married within the year.  But now I feel like I'm months away from just being able to go on a date without vomiting.  I really just have no idea when I will feel like I'm getting anywhere again.  I'm not even sure where I wanting to go.

And the Royals completely suck.  There is no hope whatsoever that they will give me a whiff of the playoffs for years.  I can't pretend I have any more optimism for the Chiefs, either.  So even rooting for my sports teams feels like more of a long haul chore than something likely to yield any real gratification anytime soon.

I could really go for a little instant gratification right now.  A little case I can knock out in 3 weeks and see resolved before I'm 40.  A new friend or two to give me someone new to talk to, someone who doesn't know me in the context of my now-defunct relationship.  Just something to give me a sense of satisfaction with life that will last longer than the glow from a binge of internet shopping.

Or maybe I just need to get back to a point where I really can be happy with just a Pop Tart.  Frosted, of course.  But, oh, that is so much easier said than done.


PDgirl said...

The Royals do completely suck lately. :( Sorry, friend. It is very disheartening when your team(s) let you down, a feeling I can completely understand. You can be a momentary-Twins fan, if it helps. Although, we've been a bit (a lot) wonky lately in the pitching area, so they might disappoint as well. Perhaps we could combine Grienke pitching w/ Twins fielding and then we'd have a much better team.

S said...

I don't think I can root for a division rival, no matter how unlikely it is that my team could win the division. (What am I doing right now? Watching the Royals game while "working" on my case, of course. I am a glutton for punishment.)

I do have KU basketball season coming up eventually. There's always hope with that.

It would be really nice to see Greinke go with solid fielding and run support. I think the consistent lack of support is getting him down.

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