Saturday, June 5, 2010

Things I am not good at

1) Letting go.  I can't let go of arguments when I'm doggedly sure I'm right.  I can't let go of nasty opinions on newspaper comment boards.  I can't let go of the life I liked so much even though everybody seems to agree I don't get any say in the matter.

2) Ceding control.  I want to believe that I can control my little world.  I think I'm getting better in this respect, but I still am quite capable of flipping out entirely when something happens that is beyond my control.  I'm supposed to be a very persuasive advocate who can always make the winning argument.  So it's very hard for me to accept that I can't use my powers of logic and reason to get everyone in my life to see things my way and do what I want.

3) Having faith that things will work out as they should.  Faith and I are not friends.  I'm a believer in being proactive and making things happen rather than just waiting for things to develop naturally.  I don't have a lot of patience and I'm not big on trust.  I know I need to stop trying to force things to happen, but it's pretty counter to my nature not to take steps to ensure the outcome I think should happen.

These three failings of mine are all combining right now to make me crazy.  If I truly let go of something I don't want to let go of that means I'm ceding control over that major aspect of my life that I don't think should be entirely out of my control and it means that I have to have faith that by letting go and ceding control, things really will turn out the way they should.  My personal task for the summer is to work on learning to let go, ceding control, and trusting that things really will be ok.  Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to remind me of this mantra when you see me backsliding.

1 comment:

Paula said...

First off, I really enjoy reading the blog, thanks for writing it.

Second, I can sympathize with everything you wrote in this post. I have the same problems, always have. In fact, I'm so bad at point 1 that I've begun avoiding most Internet comment boards. I have a very big problem with There Is Something Wrong On The Internet syndrome.

Having said that, I disagree in part with your point 3. I don't think there's anything wrong with advocating for a desired outcome in whatever ways one can. But sadly that doesn't always work; sometimes even our best efforts aren't enough.

I've never been able to have faith that things will turn out OK because, well, sometimes they just won't. Sometimes things will turn out terribly. What I do have confidence in is my ability to cope and adapt as needed to changing circumstances. I have that confidence because I've done it before so I have reason to believe I'll be able to do it again. Sometimes it means that I have to gear up to re-fight a fight I've already fought, sometimes I have to adjust my expectations to fit reality a little better, usually it's a combo of the two. But I do know that when things don't turn out as I would have liked I'll muddle through it anyway.

I hope this doesn't come off as a lecture. It's just something that took me a long time to figure out for myself so I try to share it when I can.

Thanks again for the blog.

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