I am so trying to be zen with my life as it is. It isn't bad. I have lots of friends. I have a great dog. I have a great job and a cute house. I just go home alone every night, which really sucks and is harder than I remember from the period before I got to go home with someone.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to be ok with being the favorite of my friends' kids. Kids all love me. Especially, they love my hair. Curls hook kids. And I make great faces and I'm fun and I'll read to them and I think I'm good at talking to kids appropriately for whatever age they are. So I'm trying to be ok with the idea that I'll never have one of my own because I'm Auntie Sarah to lots and lots of kids.
And I'm trying to be ok with the fact that I'm alone because I won't settle. I could probably have a boyfriend if I would have settled for 5'1 guy or Mr. Wants to Sit in His Backyard and Think guy or any number of other guys who my friends all think are beneath me. (Of course, I'm also constantly told I'm too picky...)
I'm trying so hard to be ok with the idea that I'm just too awesome to be hooked by anyone else. But it's really hard. Because the truth is I am so lonely, I could cry. Every night, I could cry. Not could. I do cry. And it's so hard to know that Mr. WoSiHBaTG has a girlfriend, someone who is also too good for him but just gave up and settled. And all the other people around me who aren't as smart or aren't as fun or aren't as hot as I am but yet found that someone. But that's ok, right?
But it isn't. And I'm not ok. I am so, so lonely. No amount of fabulous nights out with fabulous friends, even when I am the center of attention, will make up for the fact that at the end of the night, I am alone. I walk home alone. I go to bed alone. I pay the mortgage alone. I deal with the dog and the car and the burnt out light bulbs and the stupid front door and the yard and all the rest of it alone. I don't want to, though. I just want someone to help out, to share the burden. To make sure I have birthday plans or that I get home ok. Or just to help me feel that not every single thing is a frustrating, stupid chore that I can't avoid.
No matter how much of a front I put on, I am not ok with any of it. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.