Tired

I'm tired.

I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night and, in preparation, I've been doing all of the chores I've been putting off for months. I don't let people into my house often so I don't always feel much incentive to unpack the goblets my mom sent home with me or to put together a piece of storage furniture I bought. I don't have any friends that just pop over. I think having a cluttered house provides me cover. I can just say I don't want people to come over because my house is too messy and then I never have to find out if anyone would really come. I'm tired of being so closed off, and I'm tired of living in a house that I still haven't fully moved into yet. I've lived here over two years, so it's a little ridiculous how many boxes are still lying around. In the last week, I've done a lot of that moving in stuff that normal people would have done two years ago. So now I'm tired from all the work I've been doing this past week.

I'm tired of having too many cases and too few hours in the day. I don't feel like I can give any of my clients the level of attention they deserve. I can't take the time to read and analyze the case law the way I want to. I don't have time to organize my office, my files, and my piles of stuff the way I would like to. But surely I should find the time so I would spend less time hunting down that one transcript that I swear I just had. I definitely don't have time for the special projects I agree to take on. This all adds up to making me feel like an inadequate lawyer. I'm really tired of feeling that way.

I'm tired of disappointing my dog. She wants me to play with her more than I do, but I'm often just too tired from all the other stuff I have to do.

I'm tired of being angry. At politicians who run nasty, negative campaigns. At stupid talking heads like Bill O'Reilly and Nancy Grace who appeal to the basest among us. At the current administration for, well, everything. At the half of the American public who subjected us to this administration and who would extend our misery for another 4 years. At the people who criticize defense attorneys and don't respect the presumption of innocence and don't respect their own constitutional rights and think those of us that do are doing something wrong. At district courts who work with prosecutors to convict defendants rather than maintaining their role as neutral arbiters. At prosecutors who refuse to use their discretion not to prosecute some people. (Not every case that can be made should be.) At appellate courts who acknowledge errors during trials but still refuse to overturn convictions because they're satisfied that the defendant really is guilty. (Form really does matter!) Hell, I'm even angry at Carl Peterson and Clark Hunt! (GM and Owner of the once proud now pathetic Kansas City Chiefs. Seriously, how did they make the Chiefs the most awful, amateur, sucky team in the NFL?) My anger has been palpable lately. It's really quite exhausting. I can't maintain this level of anger. I need a break from it.

So I'm taking tomorrow off. I'm having friends over to my house for good food and good wine. And I won't even care that they might see some of my dirty clothes. (You have to go through the laundry room to get to the bathroom.) Then on Saturday, I'm going shopping. I'm going to buy myself new clothes in defiance of our tanking economy. Then on Sunday, I'm going to watch the Chiefs and not care how sucky they play. And I may stay in my pajamas all day long. So maybe by Monday, I'll be a little less tired. Or less angry. Or both.