Tuesday, June 16, 2015

So I've been really quiet lately. I know that. I feel like a little bit I've lost my voice.

In a way, I feel like my life has turned into a Wile E Coyote cartoon. Like I've run off a cliff and the drop is coming, but it just won't quite happen. Family health issues. Financial issues. Dog issues. Work issues. The hits just keep coming and yet somehow, I haven't fallen yet.

I don't feel I'm able to keep up with everything (or anything) I want to do out of life, that I can't continue to be the truest me I can be because I'm still just churning my legs so madly, hoping the inevitable fall might miraculously not happen.

There's a huge part of me that just wants the damn fall to happen already. If I could just fall, then I could start picking up the pieces, maybe move on. But so far, I've managed to prevent the fall. I haven't come close to making it back to solid ground, but I've kept my legs churning enough that I've avoided the abyss.

It's exhausting. I just want resolution. I want to fall already. Fully, completely, irrevocably. This endless holding on needs to be done.

And I really need to get back to being me.

6 comments:

FURBOLL said...

I was curious if something happened to you. Glad to see you’re still out there. Event though I just lurk and read your post, I do notice when I don’t see anything from you in a while. It’s easy for someone to say "things will get better", but having been in that place myself and still “visiting” it from time to time, I understand that no words will make you snap right out of it. The time it takes depends on the person.

5under3 said...

Well that is very sad. I hope things have turned around for you soon.

I'm not exactly sure of your circumstances but I can relate a tiny little bit. I've known for the last 18 months or so that there was a good chance I would lose my job. As a husband and father of 5, providing about 80% of the household income this was a pretty stressful possibility. Well, I lost my job on May 29th, and you know it's really not so bad. Well... it's at least been much more good then bad. Instead of focusing on the bad, I'm focused on the good now. I'm not sure how things will turn out but at least I'm finding there are opportunities. I'm not sure how this will all work out but I'm absolutely amazed by how not having a job can be way less stressful then having a job that you're stressed about losing 24/7. I guess that's why your last post resonated with me so much. I really get that you just wish that fall would happen already. I was wishing it wouldn't!

Again I have no idea of your circumstances but I really hope it all works out for you. Good Luck!

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